Circumstance Beyond My Control


Circumstance beyond my control

 Have you ever been faced with a situation where all you can do is go along for the ride-the circumstances are beyond your control? Things like disease, death, job loss, and accidents happen in life. They leave us devastated, overwhelmed and in a state of grief.

My first son was two weeks old when he stopped eating. By the time we arrived at the doctor’s, he could no longer cry. He just whimpered. I was a new mom and terrified. I knew something was wrong. I thought it was a virus. The doctor later told me that he knew my son was dying, but he didn’t know why. Within minutes an ambulance was ordered and my son was being intubated (put a tube in his airway to help him breathe).I called my husband and told him we were headed to Children’s Hospital. It was a whirlwind that still lives vividly in my mind.

Once at Children’s, we were whisked passed the emergency room and taken straight to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). They began running every test possible.

As a nursing mom, I needed to relieve some pressure. They have these comfortable, private rooms to pump breast milk and even freeze it for future use.  As I headed back to my son, my husband caught me in the hall. He said there was a cardiologist who wanted to talk to us. It was his heart. I wanted to collapse. My perfect little boy had a serious heart defect. We listened to the cardiologist explain the problems with his heart and the necessary bypass surgery they were going to perform within the next 24 hours.

The doctor left us to process and console.  Then Curt said, “I don’t know what I’m going to think of this God of yours if he doesn’t make it.” We all have those moments, don’t we? My response was a direct, quick prayer, “God, he has to be ok cuz I can’t lose him and my marriage.”

Then I heard Him audibly whisper in my right ear. I even turned my head as if someone was there. “You will be ok.” Notice, God didn’t promise my son or my marriage.  He promised me, my heart. I was going to be ok. Granted, I would have preferred to hear “everything or my son was going to be ok” but what I heard brought peace and strength to my entire being. It gave me confidence to stand strong in the face of fear. God promises to always be there with us.

Isaiah 41:13  For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

He stands with us when the circumstances are beyond our control. He never leaves us alone and He is not indifferent to our circumstances.

I was not alone that day or when it was time to clean my inner house of the burdens that day brought.  Questions like “Should I have done something differently during pregnancy? What did I do wrong? It has to be my fault.” haunted me. Have you ever asked yourself questions like this? God promised I would be ok-that promise was fuller and grander than I ever imagined. I wasn’t thinking beyond that day.

My son is now 13 and amazing, but the blame and shame from the circumstances beyond my control lingered until I invited God to cleanse me and wash me clean.

Hebrews 10:22 (NIV) 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water.

His promises are there for us to hold onto through difficult times.  They give us strength and they wash us clean.

What circumstances do you need to bring to God? What steps are you going to take to draw near to Him?

2 thoughts on “Circumstance Beyond My Control

  1. I remember the day the prayer intercessor said you were pregnant with the number two son… the emotions that passed through all us knowing of this first son’s medical issues…. and then everyone smiled and it was as if we could feel God smile….
    It is that feeling that the composer of “It is Well with my Soul” felt standing on the deck of the ship looking down at the murky cold water that claimed his five daughters…..
    the pain is still there
    the hurt is overwhelming
    but it is well with my soul……

    1. I do remember that and the flips son number 2 made as they prayed over him. And you are so right-it is well with my soul -He brings a peace that surpasses understanding 🙂

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