Really God…

Really God,” has been a phrase coming out of my heart over and over again these last weeks. It’s very similar to the question of why God except that I had stopped asking God why things happened to me. “Really God” is more of an exasperation. It’s an astonishment. How could there have been so much I didn’t know or understand about my past? While this knew understanding puts a lot of missing pieces in place it does leaving me saying, “Really God…”

I started down this road to clean up a few pieces from my past that I knew were still unresolved. My physical and emotional health were not where I wanted them to be and knew it was time to deal with my father’s alcoholism. Uncovering a sexual assault that wasn’t in my conscious memory, but plenty of physical signs were there, has left me saying, “Really God.”

As pieces of this came back to my conscious memory, I was asked, “What is the purpose of experiencing this?” At the end of every session, I am invited to give all of this crap to God/Jesus and receive something from God in return. This time I was asked to listen for what God’s purpose is in having me experience this. It was very clear. Stop the cycle, and not just for me and my family but all who would listen. Really God

This Psalm from David is a plea for deliverance from suffering. Not only did God deliver him, but here is his response.

Here’s the story I’ll tell my friends when they come to worship,
    and punctuate it with Hallelujahs:
Shout Hallelujah, you God-worshipers;
    give glory, you sons of Jacob;
    adore him, you daughters of Israel.
He has never let you down,
    never looked the other way
    when you were being kicked around.
He has never wandered off to do his own thing;
    he has been right there, listening. (Psalm 22:22-24 MSG)

David worshipped and told everyone of his experience. It’s a tall order to suffer greatly and then tell everyone about it. Truth is, it’s more than that. This isn’t an invitation to whine and complain about what happened. This isn’t holding grudges or wanting others to suffer because of what was done to me. This is about seeing God in the midst of the assault, and knowing I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t forsaken. I’ve been given a purpose. We all have. When any of us allows God to enter into our suffering with us, we find peace. Over time we also find grace, forgiveness and mercy. To be honest, I’m still working on those. As much as my heart as been broken, I know God’s promise is true. I have a purpose. You do too. Look for it.

How has God been with you in suffering? How has God shown you the purpose of your pain? Share your experience here and breathe life and bring hope to others.

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