Many of my “ah ha” moments happen when I’m in the shower as this one came the other day. Maybe it’s because it is the only place that I can think without being interrupted. Anyway, my youngest son was mad and not willing to share his electric guitar with his brother. He thought he would do something to wreck it. He didn’t trust his brother. I was frustrated with him because he had no reason to think his brother would hurt the guitar.
I know this is a bit simplistic, but it got me to thinking about my own trust issues. I realized that sometimes when I don’t trust others, it’s really because I don’t trust myself. Let me try to make this clearer than mud. Often I have directed my mistrust at others when the reality was I didn’t trust myself in that situation. I used to struggle with rage. My insides would shake, anxiety would build, and I felt like I was going to explode. I assumed that everyone, including my husband, felt that kind of anger at one point or another. I didn’t trust my ability to control my anger, so I didn’t trust anyone else’s ability to control their anger. At one point my husband told me that he never felt out of control with his anger. I struggled to believe him. I struggled to trust him because I couldn’t trust myself. Is this making any sense?
I often tell others about how we decided not to spank our children because I didn’t trust me. Truth is, I didn’t trust him either. It wasn’t until God took away the rage that I actually believed that others didn’t feel what I had felt. Scripture tells us to deal with our own sin rather than focusing on others. I need to be focusing on my sin.
3 Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s[a] eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3 NRSV).
How many times have I cast mistrust on others because I couldn’t trust myself? How often Have I wrongly projected my own internal fear on others? How often have I wrongly judged others do to my perceptions? I have been more than willing to point out the speck in my neighbor’s eye and ignore the log in my own.
The media encourages us to assume the worst in everything and voice our opinion about it. We jump to judgement of others without any self-reflection. We assume our perception is correct. Why do I feel so strongly about the situation? Why don’t I trust this person? I need to stop and ask myself, “Is there something in the way of my mistrust that is really about me?”
Will you join me in some self-reflection? Have you struggled with trusting yourself? How have you overcome it? Share and we can encourage each other.