Love or Fear?
Do you have things that just creep you out? Do you have things in your life that automatically make you angry? I certainly do. Recently, I had a melt down. Curt made a creepy sound in my ear. His voice was low and raspy. It reminded me of the kind of voice you would hear in a horror movie. I told him that it creeped me out which, of course, meant that he did it again and again. This led to the melt down. I was filled with fear. I was a pile of tears. He was confused. He thought it was funny.
As I laid curled up and crying, suddenly all I could see was my neighbors face. He was a teenager when I was a very young girl. He used to hide behind the bushes between our yards and in a low raspy voice say my name. “Emmy, Emmy,” is what I would hear. At five years old, I was terrified.
I would run into the house and tell my mom. I’m sure she would tell him to knock it off, but it continued. One day, I declared to my family, “Don’t call me Emmy anymore.” Emmy was a nickname that represented my initials (M.E.) but more importantly, it was also my grandmother’s name. This was a disappointment to my dad. Most of my family complied readily, but there are a few who still to this day call me Emmy.
My body had physically remembered this. It wasn’t just a memory. It was a full body response. How is it that life experiences can make these kinds of deposits in our minds? There have been other places in my life where this has happened. Certainly, these popped up as I was healing from the abuse. But, this was just a bully. It doesn’t seem that significant in the grand scheme of things.
Threads from this experience have been playing out in my life, many ways that I was unaware of, such as my overprotectiveness of my boys. If I even sense that someone is trying hurt or bully either of the boys, something rises up within me much like a mama bear. On the surface this might seem like a good thing. The problem, however, is the source. The source is fear.
18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18 NIV)
I knew God brought this back to me to have me deal with it. He wants my heart to be living out of a source of love. His perfect love. This fear was in the way. I started praying. I asked God to replace this fear with His love, and he did! I didn’t know for sure right away, but I believed it in faith. Just last night, Curt did it again apparently he’d forgotten about my previous reaction. I didn’t like it, but I wasn’t afraid. Nothing rose up within me. I was simply annoyed.
How about you? Do you have things that rise up? Is God showing you something that He’s wanting to help you remove from your life? Maybe you have experienced this kind of removal. Share your experience here and we can learn from each other.